Breaking Free

Around my early 20's I knew there was something different about me. I wasn't overtly unique or filled with an abundance of amazing skills. I wasn't someone who stood out in a crowd be it for good or bad. Just different. 

I forget at what age I was when I first heard Beth Moore's bible study, Breaking Free. Keep in mind, I have not done the bible study to its fullest degree, but I have listened to the audio version a few times. There are not enough words, emotions, emphatic urgings to express my love for this bible study. I've listened to it at various stages in my life, which has always proved to be pivotal each time. 

The idea of the bible study is to break free from strongholds in your life. To be FREE. To live FREE. But freedom comes at a price. 

I knew in listening to the things from this study that I had the highest urging - dare I say "calling" - to do things differently for my children (which ended up being just "child"). We will all face challenges, struggles, and strongholds in our lives, but I was going to do what it took to keep my child from facing the same unnecessary ones I did. Enter - sanctification period... uhhh decade... and a half... and still going. 

This sanctification business is HHHHAAARRRRDDDD. And it hurts. And so many tears and disappointments and voices in my head. Refiner's fire indeed. More on this in later posts. 

So I get up. And fall back down. And get up again. And fall down again. A hundred times over. 
People come in my life. People leave. And some are kicked out.

I've discovered no rhyme or reason to this healing/protection process - it's healing for me and protection for my daughter. The only constant is God's Word. 

So what's "different" about me? It's the desire and willingness to do the hard things, to see the hard stuff, and to say the hard words to get to the best me. The "me" God needs me to be. The "me" I'm meant to be.

The Girl with 2 Unlikely Tattoos

I'm practing here.  I'm practicing my words. I'm practicing expressing my thoughts. It's time. There is MUCH to share, but this first post back in to Blog World will be relatively brief and the basis for what's to come. 

Yes I have tattoos. Two of them. My husband is not a fan of tattoos; however, convincing him to allow me to get my first one wasn't hard. The second one was his idea. God could not have given me a more perfect mate. 

I can't tell you how many times I've had friends say something along the lines of "You're the last person I would have ever expected to get a tattoo." 

Me too. But I did and here's the story. My story. 

The Semicolon - Congrats on getting a grammatical element permanently marked on your body. Thanks! It comes from the Project Semicolon movement meant to bring support and encouragement to those who suffer with depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and self harm. I struggle with all of them. When the struggle had really gotten deep and I explained to my husband how having the tattoo would help me and others he was fully supportive. 

Just like the semicolon serves in a grammatical sense to represent where the author could have ended a sentence, the semicolon is indicative that the thought goes on - my story isn't over. My life isn't over. 

So why the 3 dots? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Three has been a precious number to me since I started dating my husband. Our first date was February 3rd, engaged April 3rd, married November 3rd. Became a family of 3 in 2003. 

First and foremost the 3 dots represent the source of my strength: The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

Second, the 3 dots represents my family: My husband, my daughter, and myself. 

Third, I got the tattoo on August 12, 2015. The 3rd anniversary of my dad's passing. 

Fourth, this was also the same day that I hit my 100th checkin with Camp Gladiator Boot Camp (kind of a big deal among campers and trainers). It was the first time I had ever accomplished such a noteworthy physical goal for myself. So the 3 dots represent the 3 numbers - 1 0 0.

As you can see, my tattoo was not a flippant decision and I have zero regrets. There have been many times I have looked at my tattoo as a reminder to keep going. There have been times it's been used to allow me to tell others about the saving grace of Christ. 

The Cross - I had really wanted the word "redeemed" as a tattoo, but given the space it wasn't the best idea (as many tattoo artists advised). My husband's idea... a cross. The cross was done to commemorate my 250th check in with Camp Gladiator (June 2016). Yes - 250 times, 250 hours, I had dedicated to my physical health; while my mental health was in complete disarray. 

I added a different element to my 3 dots this time. I had them done in red and black. These are the 2 branding colors for CG. I did them RED BLACK RED as a reminder that the blood of Jesus covers all my sin. 

The BLUE of it all. Blue (one of my favorite colors) really represents my connection to my dad. We both shared September birthdays (sapphire is the birthstone for that month). I may not have been as close to my dad as I always wanted, but where we lacked in a relationship via proximity, we made up for in the matters of the heart and mind as kindred spirits. 

So it is rather appropriate that I'm writing this while sitting in the Kindred Coffee shop. 

Find Your Voice

I've been so inspired to write lately. I have so many "draft" posts waiting in the wings. Waiting until they're fine tuned and I've mentally prepared myself to expose my heart. 
I tend to shy away from sharing thoughts out of fear or rejection. But then I'm reminded that if I'm going through something, then chances are, someone else is too and they could, perhaps, benefit from reading words from a kindred spirit. 

Much of my inspiration lately has been from a devotional book that a friend encouraged me to get, "Streams in the Desert". When I knew I was going to be unemployed I filled my agenda with all these grandiose plans to purge and clean my house, to workout, dinner on the table every night, etc. But as Scripture is apt to tell us... "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." And I've come to realize that in this time of waiting He has called me closer and closer in to communion with Him. 

Admittedly, it was frustrating at first. I wanted that clean house, I wanted to be managing our finances to the bare minimum, I wanted to be more useful in my home and community. But I stopped wrestling and realized this quiet time with Him was/IS far more important than any of that. And thus the writing ensued thanks to the struggle and the quiet times and the thought provoking introspection. 

You have to know that any time music is used to make a point, it resonates more profoundly with my soul. So in the midst of finding my voice I read these words. 

"Facing obstacles should make us sing. The wind finds its voice not when rushing across an open sea but when it is hindered by the outstretched limbs of a pine tree or broken by the strings of an aeolian wind harp. Only then does the harp have songs of power and beauty. Send your soul, which has been set free, sweeping across the obstacles of life. Send it through the relentless forests of pain and against even the smallest hindrances and worries of life, and it too will find a voice with which to sing."

I've been saying for months that "there is something big on the horizon". It's like knowing you're going on a dream vacation, only you don't know where or when that dream vacation is going to be. If ever there was a time when it was so profoundly obvious that there is a divine appointment for this season of waiting, of wondering, of waiting some more, of struggling, it is now. 

Our Sorrow Sharing

I've been processing a lot lately regarding this perceived notion that just because I'm a Christian that I have the perfect life, I should act like the perfect person, and never reveal anything outside of what the "perfect Christian life" should be. And I'm busting that bubble wide open. 

One theory (albeit could be self imposed) is this idea that Christians should have this utopian, glossed over look at all times. We shouldn't be sad, we shouldn't be sorrowful, we should never have any mood other than "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy"! And should you reveal any type of depressed like state then you are officially "moody". 

Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us that "there is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance". I am fairly confident I went through all four of these actions/emotions this past week alone. I suppose I'm moody... but you say that as if it's a bad thing. 

Back to one of my all time favorite songs that I was surprised with yesterday morning... Jesus Saves - there is a stanza that says, 

"He will live, our sorrow sharing. 

Jesus saves, Jesus saves. 

He will die our burden bearing. 

Jesus saves, Jesus saves."

I suppose if I'm moody then Jesus is right there with me. And hallelujah that He is. Because if he wasn't then I suppose I'd never make it to the laughing and dancing part. 

What are people so afraid of? I know what I've been afraid of. I'm afraid that someone won't like me or won't want to be around me if I'm not bubble eyed and all smiles. But Jesus never leaves. He's sharing in the sorrow, He's bearing those burdens. 

One of my favorite passages from the "Streams in the Desert" devotional is this:

"Sorrow, under the power of divine grace, performs various ministries in our lives. Sorrow reveals unknown depths of the soul, and unknown capacities for suffering and service. Lighthearted, frivolous people tend to be shallow and unaware of their own meagerness or lack of depth. Sorrow is God’s tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests. If humankind were still in a glorified state, having never fallen, then the strong floods of divine joy would be the force God would use to reveal our souls’ capacities. But in a fallen world, sorrow, yet with despair removed, is the power chosen to reveal us to ourselves. Accordingly, it is sorrow that causes us to take the time to think deeply and seriously."

I knew someone who wanted nothing to do with people who were in a bad mood. "Be in a good mood or go somewhere else" was their overall attitude. They pretended with the outside world that everything was always perfect. It also appeared that the person had no spiritual growth. They never presented themselves as a real person in need of a friend, much less a Savior. 

I have been sensitive lately to how God uses the extremes in our lives. The extreme joy can be just as powerful as the extreme sorrow. I find the more I accept those "socially unacceptable" moods as opportunities to cling to Jesus that I come through much, much quicker. And the beauty is, I come through a much stronger person. And what people are seeing is real. 

Trust me, I want to be the constant happy, joyful person that everyone wants to be around. But God is well aware the sorrowful moments are important too, or else, He wouldn't be willing to share in those moments with us and designate Scripture to let us know it's appropriate. 

Mandisa really just says it the best in her song "What If We Were Real". My above words seem meager compared to this poetic, musical version of the same message. 

Broken

It's true. 
I'm completely broken. I do stupid stuff all the time. 
It's not like it's a secret. It's not like I don't put forth every effort to keep those secret things hidden in hopes of not being exposed, but then sometimes all kinds of ugliness comes out rearing its head. Most people would call that "being human". Others take it as an opportunity to heap further insults and injury on to an already unsteady spirit. 

I try to be a "good" person. Always falling short, of course. I think everyone "tries*. Something about this past week has offered many introspective moments. One was a quote that I saw... "Everyone thinks of changing the world. But no one thinks of changing himself."

I knew how true this was for me. It sure is easier to sit from a distance (not taking on others burdens) and judge them for behavior, attitudes, or actions you may find wrong. It takes a lot less effort to do that than it does to look inward and find ways to change yourself. You *might* actually have to admit that you need a Savior when you inwardly dig too deep. 

The Christian life is hard. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. I didn't say it wasn't worth it. I said it was hard. For those who think it's easy, I invite you to come onboard and join the journey. The Lord promised "You will have trouble in this world. But take heart I have OVERCOME the world." (John 16:33). 

You want to hear some HARD things about the Christian life... 
- Some people within the church will think you're not worthy. 
- Some people outside the church will think you're not worthy. 
- You will tell yourself that you're not worthy. 
- Satan will whisper to you constantly that you're not worthy. 

The precious blood of Jesus wipes all those lies away. The saddest thing about living with the mindset of unworthiness is that you are literally rejecting the power of the Blood. Rejecting His Grace. 
How sad for the believer to not give grace. 
How sad for the unbeliever to not know grace. 
How sad for yourself to not embrace grace. 
And Satan loses because he thinks he's bigger than grace. He's not. 

There will be ALWAYS be people telling you that you're not good enough. Many times those people are looking for you to fall short and will never see the moments when you actually get it right. And sadly those are the people who never see the beauty of life. They seek out the ugly. And whatever you seek, you will find. 

What I have learned about Ugly Seekers is that they intentionally look for those ugly moments to expose in order to hide their own brokenness. I've been guilty of it. I know what it looks like. Sometimes our own "ugly" is too much to bear so it's easier to expose someone else's. 

But here is the beauty of living a life of grace... 
Just because I've accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior does not make me perfect. 
Just because I share in fellowship with other believers on a weekly basis does not mean I have it all together. 
Just because the living, breathing Word of God still speaks to my heart even though I have fallen doesn't mean it can't be used to improve upon my spiritual walk. 
Just because I have broken moments that turn people away from Christ doesn't mean He has never used me for the Kingdom. 

This stanza of "Jesus Saves" resonates deeply within me:
"Freedom's calling, chains are falling, hope is dawning bright and true. 
Day is breaking, night is quaking, God is making *ALL THINGS NEW* [emphasis added]. 
Jesus saves."

People may judge my brokenness. 
People may expose my brokenness. 
People may abuse the privilege of getting to see my brokenness. 
But praise God there is a Savior who says "I am making all things new." and He still saves. 

A Day in the Life of Unemployment, Day 1

I suppose technically my first day of unemployment was January 2nd, but I still had the Bug in tow so it wasn't a "true" unemployment day. Dem kids require work! 

So today... Bug is back to school. Hubs is back to work. And here I am with a to-do list 3 years long. Seriously, if you saw my living room right now you'd tell me to get off this computer and get to work. But first, a little glimpse in to THE MOST peaceful tenure of unemployment I've ever had. 

I've known for months this was coming so there was nothing startling about this day. However, in the confines of my private conversations (do those even still happen anymore?) I've shared that something big is on the horizon. Something BIG. Like God-sized BIG. Something that would leave me no alternative, but to be at peace and wait on His timing for whatever is next. For months the Lord was not opening any doors and each time I sat down to job search I heard a whisper say "You're wasting your time. I've got something for you." I had no choice but to wait. 

I did manage to squeeze in a few applications before that voice slowed me down just in time to peacefully manage and enjoy the holidays. I had already resigned to the idea that I wasn't going to apply for just *anything*. It had to be something that I was excited about. Tuesday arrives and I'm kicking back and enjoying a TV show on the last day of the year, which was the last day of employment and then I check my email. One of the applications I had submitted 6 weeks prior was interested in speaking to me. I look around and say "but my house isn't clean yet!" :) 

Fast forward - First interview. Done. Possibly two more to go. In the past if I did not get the position then I would consider that I failed in some capacity. But the precious depth of peace I have this go around tells me that if I don't get it then His divine intervention has still not opened THE door. I should mention that I'm pretty stoked about the possibility of this position. On the surface, it looks absolutely amazing and a personally hand-crafted opportunity full of all kinds of "employment wants". From my heart to God's hands. But the joy of knowing He's in control combats all those fears. But the enemy still knows the cracks in my mind and will do what he can to turn those in to canyons. Which is why this verse means so much to me right now, "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." - Romans 8:6. 

I will actively ask the Lord to have control of my mind. I look forward to calling upon and speaking the name of JESUS! 

Now... off to conquer that to-do list. 

The Divine Sense of Humor

It's 2:38... in the A.M. Why am I awake?? I thought it was heartburn. Until I was given a word from the Lord. He's so good... and funny. Sometimes. (I'm already thinking about my cup of coffee when I wake up for the second time this morning.) 

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that I've packed on some weight in rapid fashion over the last 6 months. I've heard the comments and seen the bewildered, pitiful side looks and heard the sighs of relief "thank goodness that's not me!". But that's okay, because my journey to be HEALTHY (and stop striving to be THIN), is just that... MY journey. Thanks to Go Kaleo for delivering the science, the psychology and the counseling behind being a better me - not only physically, but mentally as well. Let me emphasize that NOTHING about this journey has been easy. Swimming upstream in a society saturated with very strong, shallow opinions about your external appearance is exhausting - until it's not. Then it's awesome. I'm somewhere in-between right now. 

Remember my post several months ago "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall"? The hubby is still loving the plan. Yep, I've got a keeper. And I'm proud to say he feels the same way. :) 

The mental battle is still there. When you've been living in a world that tells you everything you're doing is wrong and that only thin people have the "good life" then it takes a while to overcome that toxic mentality. But you say, "People really don't think that."...oooohhhh, but they do. And so begins my early morning Word. 

In typical fashion, I began my early hour social media perusal to distract from my "heartburn" (OH. My heart's burning all right!). In doing so, I came across an article talking about how a TV exec "advised" her on air talent that her appearance was "less than pleasing". Anyway, the story goes on to say how the on air talent (in fear of losing her job) went on to lose 70 lbs in rapid fashion (refer to Go Kaleo about the detrimental affects from doing that). Articles like that can be frustrating, but it's the readers comments that can either boost or burn your opinion of the human race. In this particular incident, it totally burned. But God redeemed. No damage done. 

(background story) I will be out of a job come 12/31/13. I've put on 25 lbs in 6.5 months. Knowing what I know about this society and their judgmental viewpoints on people's size I have found myself to be a little concerned about any upcoming job interviews. And, as if to hit that point home, I come across this little gem of a comment from the aforementioned article: 

In all honesty, as I read the comment I kept waiting for the punchline or side comment of sarcasm... that never came. This person is serious. And there was my fear put in to an actual (albeit stupid) thought. 
Now, I will refrain from the soapbox of how sad, pitiful and WRONG this statement is and continue on as to why I'm up at this early hour. By the way, am I the only who giggled a little at the "being thin means never getting cancer or a cold"? What the WHAT??? 
I can happily say that I did not dwell on the fact that my fear had manifested to actual posted words and immediately told myself "Oh no... my Lord goes before me. All of me. ALL additional 25 lbs of me. He can turn the sea in to dry land and already has a perfect plan mapped out." So speaking of "God's sake" silly poster person... I'm already living it. 

After backing away from this toxic mess, I picked up the book The Unquenchable Worshipper, by Matt Redmen. Ahhhh.... a refreshing word.
Wait. 
What? 
A whole chapter on contentment and what that means to our worship. So beautiful. So true. 

Next... Jesus Calling. Oh snap... I forgot to read Saturday's entry. Let's do that. I will spare you my gushing over the journal entry (it's awesome! Especially for a future unemployed person) and proceed directly to the scripture. Okay... you ready... 

Luke 12:22-23 - Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes." 

Word. 

Isn't the Lord fun? He's so funny. 

I got it. Peace out.

Can I go back to bed now? 

Vancouver: I can't wait to do it again.

A week ago at this time I was recuperating from a week long trip to Canada. It’s taken all this time to reflect on our mission week to be able to put “pen to paper”. And I’m not even sure I’m going to adequately do it now. But many people have asked for an update and deserve one.

Here are some introspective (and not so introspective) highlights in no particular order:

1)      The enemy uses busyness to prevent the Lord’s work. While we did several activities with The Point there was also adequate time for rest and relaxation. Stepping out of our day to day activities freed up time the “daily grind” seems to steal. Jeff and I had already started the process of winding down some busyness and obligations in our lives after realizing the importance of being available for GOD’s work. There is NOTHING wrong with rest, relaxation, and down time. So the trip really emphasized the importance of balance and availability for God. And as if to hit that message home I had a devotional this week with the following statement, “You live among people who glorify busyness; they have made time a tyrant that controls their lives. Even those who know Me as Savior tend to march to the tempo of the world. They have bought into the illusion that more is always better: more meetings, more programs, more activity. I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority and deepest Joy.”

2)      Sometimes all that someone needs is a pair of socks and a little conversation. We were inundated with people once we started passing out socks to the homeless. Unfortunately, time did not permit the opportunity to sit and talk with people. Although we did meet one gentleman who seemed to enjoy the short conversation we had with him and left us wishing we’d had more time to visit with others.

3)      Wild bears really do roam the mountains of Canada. And they don’t let a little thing like trash cans stand in their way.

4)      I met a handful of people who really rely on prayer to see them through. Incredibly, wonderful people who love the Lord, love the Lord’s work, and find themselves living daily by grace and blessings. I was touched how when the only thing you’re left with is to rely on God, you realize that relying on Him is all you need. Too often we try finding adequate strength in our own power and resources always falling short and forgetting it’s all from Him.

5)      I embraced the opportunity to give ALL glory to God. Even for what seems like a seemingly small thing to us I still intentionally moved to 

6)      I was reminded of what it’s like to not wake up with sinus pain or a sore back every morning.

7)      I learned that there are people in this world who do not have (nor need) central air conditioning. *GASP*

8)      I witnessed and felt what authentic worship is. People didn’t fake a relationship with Christ because it was a socially acceptable thing to do. They worshipped Him, spoke of Him, genuinely loved Him because they have a real desire to do so. It was so refreshing to be among people who love the Lord and aren’t just going through the motions. It was soothing to my soul.

9)      University kids still love food and are grateful for it.

10)   I don’t try other coffee joints outside of Starbucks because I don’t know what to order. I tried it. It didn’t go well.

Everything about the trip was refreshing. We are very anxious to watch how the Lord will continue to show His favor on The Point Church and anxiously watch them being used for the Kingdom in the Vancouver community. 

We are overwhelmingly grateful for those who supported us, both in prayer and financially. Be confident that your prayers were incredibly effective and your financial sacrifice was used to show the love of Christ. I'm sure there will be more posts in the future as more reflection occurs, but until then... this will have to do. :) 

In the meantime, I am praying and preparing in hopes of returning and continuing to do work in Vancouver some time in the near future. Won't you pray with me? 

Here is a link to the photos. I didn't have time to run through and caption them all. :) 

SEATTLE AND VANCOUVER PICS